1) Value what’s trendy over what’s true.
2) There are no absolutes. Every point of view is valid. Unless you feel really strongly about something. Then you can act like there are absolutes.
3) The people who wrote college textbooks now are smarter than any and every human being who has ever lived.
4) Never forget to mock the people we’ve told you are dumb. It’s good for them. And it’s good for the planet. Like recycling.
5) Cool your jets with the truly independent thinking. When we say “independent,” we mean “like us.”
6) You do not need to actually go anywhere or do anything to be an expert. Reading and talking and blogging will suffice.
7) No one has the right to tell you anything you do is wrong. But you can and should tell other people about how wrong it is not to agree with what we’ve taught you.
8) Education will fix everything that’s wrong with people. Except that there’s not actually anything wrong with people because people are basically good and who am I to decide what’s “wrong?” So society, actually. Yeah, education will fix what’s wrong with society. That’s what we meant. There’s nothing wrong with me and there’s nothing wrong with people, but there is something wrong with society. And if we get people to go to college we’ll fix society. Boom. Checkmate.
9) What I just said will cost you $9,000. A PELL Grant will cover a hundred of it.
10) Always remember that we made you what you are. If you ever start to doubt what we’ve told you, breathe deeply, look at the University sticker on your bumper, and write a check payable to ____________ Alumni Relations.